running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
send nudes
from the living room?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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