Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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