i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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