You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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