Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Please don't give away my fajitas
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