Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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