so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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