Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you win again, gameday.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
