Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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