Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
