All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Can't talk, ducks in the car
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
