Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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