FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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