You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
