I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
