i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Sober January is a disaster.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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