Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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