Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
