either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
