I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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