walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I think my fart just growled at me.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
