Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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