So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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