So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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