Your mouth is God's brothel.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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