Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
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