im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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