just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
