I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
