i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
