In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
