someone threw a dead crab at me
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
