He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
