pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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