dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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