upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
