dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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