Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize