ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
