Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
