how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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