totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
