More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize