What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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