I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The uberlube is also flammable
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
