I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
