theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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