Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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