booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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