I wish I only lived at night.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
