I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
