Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Randomize
