i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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