yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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