I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
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