Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
