textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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