He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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