Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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