Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
