based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
