just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
